Funny Quotes With Pictures | 1200 Funny Quotes

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If you were always looking for a one-stop place for the best compilation of funny quotes with pictures, look no further as this article provides 1200 funny quotes with wallpapers

“The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”– Phyllis Diller

I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow.

Papercut: A tree’s final moment of revenge.

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“You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”– A. A. Milne

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P. J. O’Rourke

“Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” MITCH HEDBERG, attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations

“Diet Day1: I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.” – Anonymous

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My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.

“Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘awesome’ ends with ‘me’ and ‘ugly’ starts with ‘u’.”

I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

Friends are like walls, sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it’s good just knowing they’re there.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown

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I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe. – Anonymous

Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.

You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death. – Anonymous

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”– Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes

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“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”– Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”– Ann Landers

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”– Anton Chekhov

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”– Ashleigh Brilliant

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”– Benjamin Franklin

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill

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“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell

“What the hell is that?” I laughed.
“It’s my fox hat.”
“Your fox hat?”
“Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.
“Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell

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“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”– Betty White

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”– Bill Vaughan

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“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”– Bill Vaughan

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”– Bill Watterson

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”– Billy Connolly

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”– Billy Connolly

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”– Billy Sunday

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“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

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“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett

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“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”– Carl Sagan

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea

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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel

“They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

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“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”– Charles Lamb

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
― Einstein

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”– Charlton Heston

“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley

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“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guiswite

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”– Clarence Darrow

“It’s not because I want to make out with her.”
Hold on.” He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he’d just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. “I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

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“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”– Claude Pepper

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”– Colonel Sanders

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”– Conan O’Brien

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’”– Conan O’Brien

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“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower

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“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”– Dalai Lama

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”Dale Carnegie

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”– Daniel J. Boorstin

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”– David Letterman

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”– Demetri Martin

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
― Yogi Berra

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“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”– Desmond Morris

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”– Dick Cavett

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“Did you see that dress?” “I saw the dress.” “Did you like it?” He didn’t answer. I took that as a yes. “Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. “You’ll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”
― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”– Don Marquis

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”– Dorothy Parker

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”– Doug Larson

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“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”– Doug Larson

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”– Douglas Adams

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”– Douglas Adams

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“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”– Douglas Adams

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”– Dr. Seuss

“I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist”
― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas

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“But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”– E. B. White

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”– Earl Wilson

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“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”– Edward Abbey

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”– Elbert Hubbard

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“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”– Ellen DeGeneres

“She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it..”
― Masashi Kishimoto, Naruto, Vol. 18: Tsunade’s Choice

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”– Emo Philips

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”– Emo Philips

“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
― Alfred Hitchcock

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”– Emo Philips

“Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”– Enid Blyton

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”
All the time.”
― Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”– Erma Bombeck

“I drink to make other people more interesting.”– Ernest Hemingway

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“Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”– F. Scott Fitzgerald

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.”– Fran Lebowitz

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”– Fred Allen

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”– Fred Allen

“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”– George Bernard Shaw

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”– George Bernard Shaw

He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?”
― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”– George Burns

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”– George Burns

“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”
― Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”– George Burns

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“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”– George Carlin

“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”
― Lauren Myracle

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”– George Carlin

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”– George Carlin

“Don’t gobblefunk around with words.”
― Roald Dahl, The BFG

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
― Robert Benchley

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”– George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”– George Carlin

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
― Isaac Asimov

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”– George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”– George Carlin

“Inconceivable!”
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”– George W. Bush

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”– Gertrude Stein

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“Aren’t you, uh… reproducing? “sure, we love reproducing it’s one of our favorite things.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”– Groucho Marx

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“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”– Groucho Marx

“Can I come in?
No! I’m in a towel!
I’m blind!”
― James Patterson

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”– Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”– Groucho Marx

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“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”
― James Dashner, The Maze Runner

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”– Groucho Marx

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”– Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”– Groucho Marx

“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”
― Benjamin Franklin

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”– H. L. Mencken

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“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”– Harlan Ellison

“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”– Harry Hill

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“You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!”
― Lauren Myracle, ttfn

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”– Harry S. Truman

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”– Helen Rowland

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”– Helen Rowland

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”– Henny Youngman

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“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”– Henny Youngman

“All men are equal before fish.”– Herbert Hoover

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”– Hillary Clinton

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’”– Homer Simpson

“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”– Indira Gandhi

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”– Isaac Asimov

“I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.”– J. Paul Getty

“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”– Jack Benny

“The funniest people are the saddest ones”
― Confucius

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“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”– Jackie Mason

“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”– James Thurber

“Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ”
― Hergé, The Shooting Star

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”– Jane Wagner

“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.”– Janet Evanovich

“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”– Jay Leno

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“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.”
― Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”– Jay Leno

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand

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“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”– Jeffree Star

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!!”
― Bill Watterson

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”– Jerry Seinfeld

“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.”– Jessica Simpson

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”– Jim Davis

“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.”– Jim Harrison

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“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”– Jim Rohn

“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”– Joan Collins

“The human body is the best work of art.”
― Jess C. Scott

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“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”– John Barrymore

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”– John F. Kennedy

“I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.”– John Fugelsang

“I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!”
― C. JoyBell C.

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“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”– John Hughes

“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”– John Maynard Keynes

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”– John Wayne

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”– Johnny Carson

“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.”
― Holly Black, Ironside

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”– Josh Billings

“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”– Josh Billings

“If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World

“The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.”– Karl Kraus

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”– Katharine Hepburn

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”– Kin Hubbard

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“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”– Kurt Vonnegut

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”– Lana Turner

“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.”– Lauren Miller

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”– Laurence J. Peter

“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can’t help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

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“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”– Laurence J. Peter

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”– Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”– Lily Tomlin

“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

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“The road to success is always under construction.”– Lily Tomlin

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”– M. Scott Peck

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”– Mae West

“Sane is boring.”
― R. A. Salvatore

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”– Marc Maron

“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.”– Margaret Culkin Banning

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”– Margaret Mead

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”– Mark Twain

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”– Mark Twain

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”– Mark Twain

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”– Mark Twain

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“I am only human, although I regret it.”– Mark Twain

“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.”– Mark Twain

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”– Mark Twain

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”– Mark Twain

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”– Mark Twain

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”– Mark Twain

“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.”– Martha Scott

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
― Steven Wright

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”– Matt Groening

“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”– Meister Eckhart

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“In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.”– Michael Shermer

“I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?”
― Jess C. Scott, Wicked Lovely

“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”– Mike Myers

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”– Miles Kington

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”– Milton Berle

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

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“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”– Milton Berle

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”– Milton Berle

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”– Mitch Hedberg

“I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.”– Molly Ivins

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“She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”– Muhammad Ali

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”– Naguib Mahfouz

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”– Natalie Wood

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
― Bill Watterson

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”– Navjot Singh Sidhu

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”– Nicolas Chamfort

“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

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Funny Quotes Pictures

“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”– Norm Crosby

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”– Norman Wisdom

“Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won’t be avoided.”
― Mae West

“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”– Oliver Goldsmith

“If you must make a noise, make it quietly.”– Oliver Hardy“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”– Oliver Herford

“Man has his will, but woman has her way.”– Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”– Oscar Levant

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”– Oscar Levant

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”– Oscar Levant

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”– Oscar Wilde

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“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”– Oscar Wilde

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”– Oscar Wilde

“I can resist everything except temptation.”– Oscar Wilde

“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.”– Oscar Wilde

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“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”– Oscar Wilde

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“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”– Ozzy Osbourne

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.”– Paul Fix

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”– Paul R. Ehrlich

“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.”– Peter Cook

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”– Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”– Phyllis Diller

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”– Prince Philip

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.”– R. D. Laing

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”– Redd Foxx

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“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin

“The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.”– Reinhard Bonnke

“If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.”– Richard D. Wolff

“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”– Richard Lewis

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”– Rita Mae Brown

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”– Rita Rudner

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
― Henny Youngman

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”– Rita Rudner

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”– Rob Cordry

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”– Robert Benchley

“How long have you been standing there?”
“Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.”
“He deserved it.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”– Robert Bloch

“All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.”– Robert Breault

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
― Groucho Marx

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“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”– Robert Frost

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”– Robert Frost

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”– Robert Fulghum

“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”– Robert Orben

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“Adrian, I’m on a date. Why are you here? On my car?”
― Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”– Robin Williams

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”– Robin Williams

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”– Rodney Dangerfield

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”– Rodney Dangerfield

“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.”
Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.”
― Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”– Rodney Dangerfield

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”– Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”– Ron White

“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”– Ronald Reagan

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”– Ronald Reagan

“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.”– Salvador Dali

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”– Sam Ewing

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”– Samuel Goldwyn

“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.”– Samuel Goldwyn

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”– Samuel Goldwyn

“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”– Scott Adams

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”– Scott Adams

“A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.”
― Harry Styles

“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”– Si Robertson

“The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.”– Sid Caesar

“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.”
― Marian Keyes, Watermelon

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”– Socrates

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”– Solomon Schechter

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“I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ”
― Jerry Lewis

“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”– Stan Laurel

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”– Stephen Colbert

“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”– Steve Irwin

“Can the sarcasm,’ he said. ‘Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”– Steve Martin

“It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!”– Steven Weinberg

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”– Steven Wright

“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”– Steven Wright

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”– Steven Wright

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”– Steven Wright

“She didn’t care that people called her a bitch. ‘It’s just another word for feminist,’ she told me with pride.”
― Gayle Forman, If I Stay

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”– Steven Wright

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“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”– Sydney J. Harris

“The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.”– Terry Pratchett

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”– Theodore Roosevelt

“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.”
― Rachel Vincent, Stray

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”– Thomas A. Edison

“This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!”
― Gerard Way

“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”– Thomas Sowell

“Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”– Thomas Szasz

“You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.”
― Johnny Depp

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“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”– Tom Lehrer

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”– Voltaire

“I hate women because they always know where things are.”– Voltaire

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”– W. C. Fields

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”– W. C. Fields

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”– W. C. Fields

“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”– W. H. Auden

“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone’s face is in close proximity to your penis. This was not one of those times.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”– Walter Bagehot

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”– Walter Matthau

“I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.”
― Jon Stewart

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”– Wilhelm II

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“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”– Will Rogers

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”– Will Rogers

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”– Will Rogers

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”– William James

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”– Winston Churchill

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”– Winston Churchill

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”– Winston Churchill

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
― Woody Allen

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”– Woody Allen

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”– Woody Allen

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”– Woody Allen

“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.”– Yakov Smirnoff

“Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”
America: “To be clear, I don’t care.”
― Kiera Cass, The One

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”– Yogi Berra

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”– Yogi Berra

“I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ” ― William Faulkner

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”– Yogi Berra

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”– Zig Ziglar

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“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”– Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Life is rather like a tin of sardines—we’re all of us looking for the key.” Alan Bennett

“Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” ― Carl Sandburg

“My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?” Charles Schulz

“Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.” ― Charlotte Bronte

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. ― “Elbert Hubbard

“Life…is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.” ― Douglas Adams

“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.” ― Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”―  George Bernard Shaw

“The average man does not know what to do with his life yet wants another one which will last forever.” ― Anatole French

“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” ― J.P. Getty

“The journey, not the arrival, matters.”―  T.S. Eliot

“Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” ― Winston Churchill

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” ― Douglas Adams

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“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
― Dave Barry

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” ― Mark Twain

“Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” ― Ray Kroc

“But that quickly faded, and he frowned. “You’re bleeding,” he said. “What happened?”
Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. “Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else.” Michael looked blank. “I’m a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?” ― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.”  Mahatma Gandhi 

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”  Maya Angelou 

“Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. “Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I’m insane. You’re crazy. Maybe that’s why. We just make crazy together.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Onyx

“Everyone desires to live long, but no one would be old.”  Abraham Lincoln 

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.”  Mother Teresa

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seed that you plant.”  Robert Louis Stevenson

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”   W. Somerset Maugham

“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”
― Bernard Branson

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”  Mark Twain

“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.”  Voltaire

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”  Sydney Harris

“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”  Terry Pratchett

“Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon.”
Daemon’s grin went up a notch. “Nah, she likes my ass too much for that.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, ― Obsidian

“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” ― Jim Harrison

“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” ― W.H. Auden

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”―  Abraham Lincoln

“Last night I was seriously considering whether I was a bisexual or not but I don’t think so though I’m not sure if I’d like to be and argh I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, if you like a person, you like the person, not their genitals.”
― Jess C Scott, Tongue-Tied

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ― Bernard Baruch

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ―  Dalai Lama

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

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Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.

When nothing is going right, go left.

If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.

Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you.

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ― Dorothy Parker

“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.”― D.J. MacHale

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” ― Douglas Adams

“To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say, ‘Well done.’ And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” ― George W. Bush

 Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

“Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Sincerely, the floor.

“My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.”
― Jess C Scott, EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

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I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.

Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.

“If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.”
― Gilles Deleuze

I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon.

My windows aren’t dirty, my dog is painting.

No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store.

“Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.”
― Thomas Bernhard, Correction

Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.

I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. – Socrates

“I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

“Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.”
“Ah, well, I’m not sure I believe that.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

It’s alright if you don’t agree with me, I can’t force you to be right.

“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal

You wanna know who I’m in love with? Read the first word again.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. ‘Alright, get in the basket.’

The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep.

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”― Groucho Marx

If Monday had a face, I would punch it.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

“Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.”― Peyton Manning

We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.

My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.

When life closes a door, just open it again. It’s a door, that’s how they work.

“Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.”― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

I don’t know how to act my age because I’ve never been this old before.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.

I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up?

“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name”― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge.

Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday.

I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode.

“Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day,” Raquel said firmly. “And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.”― Claudia Gray, Evernight

If only common sense were more common.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

“However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are.”― Amy poehler, Yes Please

Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text.

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.

Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing.

“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.”― Lance Armstrong

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. – Albert King

“I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”― Ellen DeGeneres

I’m going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I’m outstanding.

I eat cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere today.

Life’s biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don’t want to get out of bed.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

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I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.

Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?

If you can’t laugh at your own problems, call me and I’ll laugh at them.

“My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I’m going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I’m about to kick the shit out of life.”― Maria Semple, Where’d You Go, Bernadette

Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.

Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.

If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite.

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you.

Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn’t contain any calories.

“If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.”― David Cook

I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am.

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. He’s dreaming too.

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.

“To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome.”― Gena Showalter, Heart of Darkness

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

My imaginary friend thinks he has problems.

Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ”― Wendell Johnson

If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. – Alison Boulter

Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I’m with you.

“My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding

I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes.

Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.

I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ”― Wendell Johnson

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

He who laughs last didn’t get it. – Helen Giangregorio

When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh.

KEEP SCROLLING FOR MORE FUNNY QUOTES

To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.

“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.

I don’t go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone. 

Never test how deep the water is with both feet.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see. 

KEEP READING SHORT FUNNY QUOTES BELOW

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.

With great power comes an even greater electricity bill.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!

Life is always rocky when you’re a gem.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. – Sam Levenson

I don’t need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you. 

You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.

I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. There’s no stopping me now.

Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

“I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.”
― Mark A. Cooper, Royal Decree

Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake.

Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn’t seen my big screen TV.

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge.

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. 

The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run.

My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy.

Home: Where I can look ugly and not care.

On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. – Sam Levenson

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. 

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

You never run out of things that can go wrong. – Edward A. Murphy

I wasn’t mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I’m mad.. yes, I’m mad!

Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, I’ll add ‘LOL’ at the end.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein

People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. 

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?

Smiles are contagious, be a carrier.

Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control.

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 

I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year.

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. – Benjamin Franklin

Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you’re cold, you should go to a corner since it’s 90 degrees there.

Continue Reading More Funny Quotes Below:

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment.

Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me?

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you. 

Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?  Envelope.

How do you count cows? With a cowculator.

How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough.

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food. 

It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy.

Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.

You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? – Bill Murray

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. – Steve Martin

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter… people the opposite. 

Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. – Ken Dodd

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. – Chris Rock

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop. – Bill Murray

We are going to be best friends forever… besides you already know too much. 

I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like. – Bill Murray

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin Jones

I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. – Bill Murray

The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. Czech proverb

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research. – Wilson Mizner

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Flip Wilson

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. – Bill Murray

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Can February march? No, but April may.

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips.

Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.

What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.

KEEP READING SHORT FUNNY QUOTES BELOW

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. 

Why did the school kids eat their homework? Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? ‘Oh sheet!’

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

The hardest thing to find in life is happiness – money is only hard to find because it gets wasted trying to find happiness.

Continue Reading Funniest Ever Quotes Below:

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

How do trees access the internet? They log in.

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good– Steven Wright

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week – Spanish proverb

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does! 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something– Mitch Hedberg

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth – Unknown

“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.”

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal – Mitch Hedberg

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done – Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off – Bill Murray

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company – Mark Twain

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. – Steven Wright

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? -Jerry Seinfeld

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. -Mitch Hedberg

KEEP READING SHORT FUNNY QUOTES BELOW

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. -Steven Wright

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -Billy Sunday

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright– Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. -Mark Twain

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. -Winston S. Churchill

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. -Cathy Guisewite

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. -Will Rogers

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. -George Carlin

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. – George Bernard Shaw

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven Wright

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. – Gore Vidal

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. – Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

When nothing is going right, go left.

Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson

KEEP READING SHORT FUNNY QUOTES BELOW

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller

“I”m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my a—.”

Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers

Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore

I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright

“I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a f—ing lady.”

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. – Pablo Picasso

Puns are the highest form of literature. – Alfred Hitchcock

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it

All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

What’s another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright

“Once you let mo-fos slide, they start to think they can ice skate.”

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. – Mitch Hedberg

“I almost gave a f—k. Scared the sh— out of myself.”

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to sleep.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. – Steven Wright

“I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.'”

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. – Danny Zuker

The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Finally, my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.

“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch … I call it lunch.”

Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.

Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that’s confusing. – Anonymous

My brain has too many tabs open.

I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

“I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode.”

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.

Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.

“I hate men who say girls are ‘weak.’ Excuse me, but can you bleed for seven days straight and not die? I don’t think so.”

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

“It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF.”

I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are.

“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. – Aparna Nancherla

In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. – Aparna Nancherla

You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am.

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.

“My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue, and when I asked what’s funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.

I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass

“Farts are like children, I’m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.”

Continue Reading Funny Quotes Jokes Below:

What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. – James A. Garfield

“You call it ‘nagging’. I call it, ‘Listen to what I f**king said the first time.”

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. – Beth McCollister

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. – Rodney Dangerfield

“Yes, I know there is a real special place in Hell for me. It is called a throne.”

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln

“The look you give your friend when the teacher says find a partner.”

You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

“Always be yourself, unless you can be Beyonce then always be Beyonce.”

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright

“You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying ‘I just find it funny how’ bc there’s a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.”

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? ―Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. ―Steven Wright

“Never do the same mistake twice. Unless he’s hot.”Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day?

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. Otto von Bismarck

KEEP READING SHORT FUNNY QUOTES BELOW

It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves. Franz Kafka

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time. Wendy Mass

“I’ve decided I’m not old. I’m 25 plus shipping and handling.”

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.

If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.

“It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.”

I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

“They should put prizes in your Tampax box. Your period sucks, but here’s a 50% off ice-cream you cranky b—.”

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ―Linda Grayson

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ―Sicilian Proverb

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I thought I was in a bad mood but it’s been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.”

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. ―Casey Stengel

“What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.”

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child. George Santayana

The happier we get, the less we see. Asian Kid

“What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? ‘Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f**king disgrace.'”

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go. ― Bill Watterson

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. ―Tom Bodett

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ―Abe Lemons

“I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.”

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space. Gene Perret

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows. ―Epictetus

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book. ―Edgar Watson Howe

“You smell like hidden motives, get away from me.”Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. ―Will Durant

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong. Bill Vaughan

Work hard, nap hard. ―Demi Lovato

“My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.”The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school. ―Milton Berle

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble. ―Mark Twain

School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come. Dave Kellett

“Me: I don’t wanna go to work. Bills: b— better have my money.”

The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school. Haruki Murakami

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. ―Bill Watterson

“Only trust people who like big butts…they cannot lie.”My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. ―Mark Twain

A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one. ―Thibaut

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ―Henry Kissinger

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ―George Carlin

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and she never even noticed.”

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ―Mark Twain

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. ―Jules Renard

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. ―Scott Adams (Dilbert)

“It’s that time of year where girls look really cute and fashionable in their flannel and I look like I’ve misplaced my ax.”

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. ―Oscar Wilde

Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys. ―Polish Proverb

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. ―Henry Ford

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. ―Stanley Randall

Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

Continue Reading Funny Sayings Below:

I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.”

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ―George Bernard Shaw

Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.

Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night. ―Rebecca Romijn

“When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.”

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. ―Lane Olinghouse

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. ―Ray Romano

I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing. ―Jim Gaffigan

It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish. ―Carrie Underwood

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. ―Nora Ephron

“The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. ―Chelsea Handler

My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.

Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.

“Hey, train wreck, this isn’t your station.”

I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. ―Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. ―Fran Lebowitz

“I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.”

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ―Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ―Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. ―Rodney Dangerfield

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. ―Albert Einstein

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ―Rita Rudner

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. ―Elayne Boosler

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ―Jackie Mason

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde

Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed. Oscar Wilde

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. ―Woodrow Wyatt

“You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.”

MORE FUNNY QUOTES AHEAD:

The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different? ―Mike Vanatta

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. ―Oscar Wilde

A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often. ―Oliver Herford

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. ―Mitch Hedberg

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. ―Dave Barry

Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof. ―Harry Haenigsen

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle

“Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.”

When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go. ―Mike Vanatta

God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace. Don Herold

America is a land where men govern, but women rule. ―John Mason Brown

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. ―Kathy Lette

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason. ―Molly McGee

“I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.”

Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks. ―Laura Swenson

Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!

A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. ―Mae West

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. ―Brendan Francis

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. Friedrich Nietzsche

“Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.”

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. ―Ethel Barrymore

If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done. ―Ludwig Wittgenstein

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. Edward de Bono

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven. ―Mark Twain

I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells. Dr. Seuss

When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other. ―Alan Alda

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. ―Erma Bombeck

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. ―Friedrich Nietzsche

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity. ―G.K. Chesterton

“I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. ―George Bernard Shaw

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Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. ―Greenville Kleisser

Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments. ―Isaac Asimov

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. ―James Thurber

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. ―James Thurber

Humor is a universal language. Joel Goodman

I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ―Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ ―Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ―Steven Wright

“First God created man, then he had a better idea …”

Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light. ―Bill Murray

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People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. ―Bill Murray

Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing. Bill Murray

There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is. ―Bill Murray

I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it. ―Bill Murray

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything, the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself. ―Bill Murray

I don’t believe that you can give the same performance every take. It’s physically impossible, so why bother? If you don’t do what is happening at that moment, then it’s not real. Then you’re holding something back. ―Bill Murray

A moat can be a pretty good thing. It can be lovely. It keeps rodents away from the castle. It can have fish in it. Even fish that talk. … If you give people access, they take advantage. My phone would ring 75 times in a row. Finally, I would pick it up and say, ‘Who the hell is this?’ ‘Oh, hi! I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people. ―Bill Murray

It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be. ―Bill Murray

Life is so damn short. For f*ck’s sake, just do what makes you happy. ―Bill Murray

“Everyday, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.”

It’s extremely powerful to say no; it’s really the most powerful thing to say. ―Bill Murray

There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. ―Chris Rock

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. ―Chris Rock

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. ―Chris Rock

“I just cleaned everything from top to bottom, so now I’m gonna need everyone to stop living here.”

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years. ―Chris Rock

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. – Richard Lewis

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If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. ―Chris Rock

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. ―Chris Rock

What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything. ―Chris Rock

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options. ―Chris Rock

You can only offend me if you mean something to me. ―Chris Rock

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? ―Dave Chappelle

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. ―Dave Chappelle

Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through. ―Dave Chappelle

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. ―Eddie Murphy

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. ―Eddie Murphy

If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. ―Eddie Murphy

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. – Otto von Bismarck

White people can’t dance. I’m not being racist; it’s true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it’s not racist; it’s true. Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, “What are those niggers doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance. And they’re like, “Look at these crazy muthaf***as.” Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another. ―Eddie Murphy

Mick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”. ―Eddie Murphy

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer. ―Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole. ―Ellen DeGeneres

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. ―Ellen DeGeneres

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday. Ellen DeGeneres

Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come. ―Ellen DeGeneres

I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. ―Ellen DeGeneres

I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Do we have to worry about who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive? ―Ellen DeGeneres

It’s funny how the universe guides you to where you’re meant to be. I wanted to make people happy. ―Ellen DeGeneres

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers

I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That’s real beauty to me. ―Ellen DeGeneres

It is failure that gives you the proper perspective on success. ―Ellen DeGeneres

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. ―George Carlin

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something. – Enid Blyton

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. ―George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ―George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ―George Carlin

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. ―George Carlin

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – ―Woody Allen

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ―George Carlin

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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ―George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. ―George Carlin

Try explaining Hitler to a kid. ―George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? ―George Carlin

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – ―Groucho Marx

We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that. George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read, teach them to question everything. ―George Carlin

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ―George Carlin

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. ―George Carlin

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ―Groucho Marx

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. ―Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. ―Groucho Marx

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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ―Groucho Marx

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ―Groucho Marx

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ―Groucho Marx

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s; She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. ―Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others. ―Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. ―Groucho Marx

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong. ―Groucho Marx

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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. ―Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. Groucho Marx

A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. ―Jerry Seinfeld

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ―Jerry Seinfeld

Man has his will, but woman has her way. – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. ―Jerry Seinfeld

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. ―Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ―Jerry Seinfeld

Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. ―Jim Carrey

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person. ―Jim Carrey

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. – Oscar Wilde

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. ―Jim Carrey

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh. ―Jim Carrey

I can tell you that the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is. ―Jim Carrey

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. – Groucho Marx

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer. ―Jim Carrey

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left? ―Jim Carrey

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul. ―Jim Carrey

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them. ―Jim Carrey

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female. – Desmond Morris

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. ―Jim Carrey

Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. ―Jim Carrey

The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. ―Jimmy Fallon

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. ―Jimmy Fallon

If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice. ―Jimmy Fallon

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. ―Jimmy Fallon

I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’ ―Jimmy Fallon

I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. ―Jimmy Fallon

I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. ―Jimmy Fallon

I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ ―Jimmy Fallon

Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. ―Jimmy Fallon

There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. – Chris Rock

Thank you, Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone. ―Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. ―Jimmy Fallon

I hate women because they always know where things are. – ―Voltaire

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. ―Jimmy Fallon

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up. ―Jimmy Fallon

I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic. ―Jimmy Fallon

‘Have fun’ is my message. Be silly. You’re allowed to be silly. There’s nothing wrong with it. ―Jimmy Fallon

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on. ―Jon Stewart

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. – Oscar Wilde

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. ―Jon Stewart

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? ―Jon Stewart

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance. ―Jon Stewart

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If ‘con’ is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!? ―Jon Stewart

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It doesn’t make it a gotcha question just because it got ya. ―Jon Stewart

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. – Christopher Morley

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. ―Jon Stewart

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. ―Jon Stewart

If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values” they’re hobbies. ―Jon Stewart

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. ―Jon Stewart

Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. ―Jon Stewart

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. – Hillary Clinton

If we amplify everything we hear nothing. ―Jon Stewart

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. ―Kevin Hart

These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. ―Kevin Hart

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. ―Kevin Hart

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin

Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team effort. ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. You can’t do nothing by yourself. Kevin: Baby I’m gonna be right back I’m going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. I just wanna get some chips. I ain’t going to sleep with nobody. ―Kevin Hart (Video)

First off, my kids know I’m a big deal. ―Kevin Hart (Video)

If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question. ―Kevin Hart

Some sarcasm is best told simply. ―Kevin Hart

But at times, life is random if not downright stupid. ―Kevin Hart

Laughter heals all wounds, and that’s one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you’re going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing. ―Kevin Hart

Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!

All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that. ―Kevin Hart

Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone. ―Louis C.K.

Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up. ―Louis C.K.

There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars. Louis C.K.

A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. Mae West

“Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” ―Louis C.K.

Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face. ―Louis C.K.

I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’. ―Louis C.K.

Of course, if you are fighting for your country and get shot or hurt, it is a terrible tragedy. But maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were shooting at, it’s a tiny bit your fault. ―Louis C.K.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. ―Louis C.K.

‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. ―Louis C.K.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -Francois de La Rochefoucauld

It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. ―Louis C.K.

Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. ―Louis C.K.

Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right. ―Ricky Gervais

You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway. ―Ricky Gervais

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. ―Ricky Gervais

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. – ―Kathy Lette

The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’. ―Ricky Gervais

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work. ―Ricky Gervais

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. ―Ricky Gervais

Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. ―Ricky Gervais

Beliefs do not change facts. Facts, if one is rational, should change beliefs. ―Ricky Gervais

If you can’t joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what’s the point of jokes? What’s the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things. ―Ricky Gervais

Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got. ―Ricky Gervais

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! – ―Groucho Marx

It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for. ―Ricky Gervais

That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity. ―Ricky Gervais

You should bring something into the world that wasn’t in the world before. It doesn’t matter what that is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a table or a film or gardening – everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, “I did that”. ―Ricky Gervais

Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe. ―Ricky Gervais

No one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. I want to see the struggle. That’s the fun bit. ―Ricky Gervais

People who criticize you have usually never achieved anywhere near what you have. Most of them would be too scared to even try. Keep going.

You found it offensive? I found it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you. ―Ricky Gervais

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail. ―Ricky Gervais

Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better. ―Ricky Gervais

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. ―Robin Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ―Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. ―Robin Williams

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. ―Robin Williams

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If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. ―Robin Williams

Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. ―Robin Williams

The only weapon we have is comedy. ―Robin Williams

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. ―Robin Williams

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. ―Robin Williams

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.― Robin Williams

Please, don’t worry so much… Because in the end none of us have very long on this earth. ―Robin Williams

For a while you get mad, then you get over it. ―Robin Williams

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. – George Bernard Shaw

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to. ―Robin Williams

Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death. Robin Williams, Patch Adams

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No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. ―Robin Williams

What would you say to your barber? I’m really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone? ―Ryan Reynolds

Anyone know the number to 911? ―Ryan Reynolds

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. – Rita Rudner

Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. ―Ryan Reynolds

Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. ―Ryan Reynolds

Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. ―Ryan Reynolds

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. ―Ryan Reynolds

If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been. ―Ryan Reynolds

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – ―Groucho Marx

We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. ―Ryan Reynolds

Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt. ―Stephen Colbert

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans. ―Stephen Colbert

Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity. Stephen Colbert

The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. ―Stephen Colbert

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. ―Stephen Colbert

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. ―Stephen Colbert

I’m in shape. Round is a shape. – George Carlin

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. ―Stephen Colbert

The more you know, the sadder you get. ―Stephen Colbert

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke. ―Stephen Colbert

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ’Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’ ―Stephen Colbert

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday – no matter what happened Tuesday. ―Stephen Colbert

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes… Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it. ―Stephen Colbert

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

Happiness can be really facile – To be with my wife and children, would be the deepest joy. ―Stephen Colbert

I always recommend people get in trouble. Commit yourself to an open mike night or write something and say you’re going to read it in public, but get in trouble. You’re never going to learn until you fail. … You have to go out there and figure out what you can do and can’t do. ―Stephen Colbert

Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. ―Stephen Colbert

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. ―Stephen Colbert

Cynics always say no. But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow. Saying ‘yes’ leads to knowledge. ‘Yes’ is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say ‘yes.’ ―Stephen Colbert

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid. ―Stephen Colbert

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin

We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday. ―Steve Martin

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes. ―Steve Martin

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. – Redd Foxx

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time. ―Steve Martin

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. ―Steve Martin

You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. ―Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. – Joan Rivers

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ―Steve Martin

Be so good they can’t ignore you. ―Steve Martin

Continue Reading Cute Funny Quotes Below:

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. Tina Fey

I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. ―Tina Fey

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – ―Caroline Rhea

Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years. ―Tina Fey

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. ―Tina Fey

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. ―Tina Fey

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss. ―Tina Fey

What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do. ―Tina Fey

Say yes. You’ll figure it out afterward. ―Tina Fey

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV. ―Tina Fey

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain

As the wise man once said, ‘So?’. ―Will Ferrell

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. ―Will Ferrell

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. ―Will Ferrell

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know. ―Will Ferrell

Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do? ―Will Ferrell

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life. ―Will Ferrell

A two-year-old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died. ―Will Ferrell

Facebook: What’s on your mind? Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go? ―Will Ferrell

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet. ―Will Ferrell

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. – Ann Landers

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. ―Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. Woody Allen

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ―Woody Allen

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. ―Woody Allen

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. – Margaret Culkin Banning

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. ―Woody Allen

Continue Reading More Funny Quotes Below:

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen―Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. ―Woody Allen

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. ―Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. ―Woody Allen

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? – Milton Berle

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. ―Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. ―Woody Allen

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. ―Zach Galifianakis

I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean. – Zach Galifianakis

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? – Milton Berle

I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.Zach Galifianakis

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there. Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis

I like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. I like just to murmur out to myself, ‘Oh bullshit’. Zach Galifianakis

Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ Zach Galifianakis

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. ―Zach Galifianakis

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

Zach, To Brad Pitt: Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan? Brad: Why? Zack: Because you live in your wife’s shadow  ―Zach Galifianakis

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. ― Tina Fey

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